How I’d silence Kate Aldridge

Kate Aldridge – do I hate her?
No need to stop and think:
I’d stuff her down the waste disposal
In her mother’s sink;

I’d hit her with a poker, choke her,
Smoke her like a kipper;
Strap her to the rails of
Blackpool Pleasure Beach big dipper;

Suffocate her with a cushion,
Pillows, duvets, rocks;
I’d make her eat both Joe and
Eddie Grundy’s unwashed socks;

Encase her head in concrete,
Chuck her in the river Am;
Beat her round the temples
With a frozen leg of lamb;

Throw her, like poor Nigel,
Off the Lower Lockesley roof;
Ensure that she got trampled
Under raging bovine hoof;

Fire her from a cannon
Over Lakey Hill’s tree-tops;
Fill her flapping mouth with
Hydrochloric acid drops;

Bash her head on Kenton’s
Until one of them saw sense;
If not, then nail them both
To Brookfield’s best electric fence;

Use her for an anvil
In blacksmith Carter’s forge;
Make sure she was buried
Somewhere deep as Cheddar Gorge;

Feed her so much laxative
She’ll spout crap from both ends;
Shove her in a Kenwood Chef
And watch her as she blends;

Take her on safari
And leave her out as bait;
Just make the bitch stop talking!
Oh, God! how I hate Kate!

Written and performed for DumTeeDum ep. 68:   (at 36:14)

Farewell Freda Fry

Written to mark the passing of the silent fictional character Freda Fry from The Archers.

Farewell Freda Fry.
Though we never heard you at all,
You had the skill to make a pie
For those who came to call;
They called into the Ploughman’s
And they all demanded your delicious food,
You were on a culinary treadmill,
Sometimes boiling, never stewed.

And it seems to me that you lived your life
Like a kitchen slave for years,
Never speaking, just preparing, cooking, washing up;
And we would have liked to have heard you
Talk or scream or shout,
Your baking never burned but now
Your pilot light’s gone out.



Ode to Baby Mungo

Commissioned for the Dum Tee Dum Podcast Episode 25 – September 22nd 2014.

Hang out the muddy bunting
For Baby Bellamy-Snell!
Snell-Bellamy? Baby Snellamy?
God knows and He won’t tell.
Your given name is Mungo,
As in Mary, Mungo and Midge.
You’re lucky you weren’t called Beko,
Named after a fridge.

But let’s celebrate a baby in the family!
Ring out the bells! Sing out congratulations!
Oh Mungo, do thank God for all your friends, for
The devil truly has sent your relations.

Your gran’s a ‘gin-soaked bar-room queen’ in Ambridge;
Step-gran’s a llama charmer drama queen;
Step-grandpa’s been to clink for fraud, and granddad?
His name on bankrupts’ roll of honour seen.
A feckless chinless wonder for a father,
Attention seeking air-head for a ma,
Your only aunt is named for herbs and spices,
That’s why she’s always ready for a jar.

You don’t deserve your fate – to spend your future
Uniting these oddballs into a clan;
When you can walk, pack up your toys and run, kid –
And get yourself adopted while you can.


Farewell to Peggy’s pussy

Written for the Dum Tee Dum Podcast Episode 12 – June 23rd 2014.

Farewell to Ben, feral foundling friend
For Peggy, there in times of need.
Now one more light’s gone out for her,
One fewer hungry mouth to feed.

No more cat fights with brother Bill,
No basking in the fire’s glow,
You’ve wandered off alone again
To where all living things must go.

To show us Peggy’s loneliness
You were the feline conduit,
But how simple to ease a loved one’s pain
Without having to visit Swiss clinics to do it.


Kirsty the Thermo-bomb

Written for the Dum Tee Dum Podcast Episode 7 – May 19th 2014.

Charlie wants a ride with Adam!
Hope the tractor cab’s well sprung;
Then Titchynob’s the next in line
To feel the length of Charlie’s tongue.

Jenny’s concrete kitchen slab
Is not as thick as Helen, who
Expected Kirsty back at work,
The dozy egocentric moo.

Kirsty goes from ice to fire
Like some kind of thermo-bomb
Freezing Helen, torching everything
Reminding her of Tom.

Clarrie parties on a schoolnight
With Ambridge’s own glam-rock set,
Topped off with Eddie singing
‘Sheep may be the fleece I can’t forget’.

Roy wants Lizzie to go camping!
Does he know his boss, or what?
Lizzie? Getting down and dirty
In a field with Roy? Think not.  (Oh how wrong I was on that one!)

Pat’s missing three full months of fruit
That’s one long constipation bout.
At least they’ve got the movement records,
Maybe they can work things out.

Organic status now in danger
At Bridge Farm – oh what a shame.
Open bags of feed the culprit,
But we know who’s the one to blame.


Rhinestones and evening relief

Written for the Dum Tee Dum Podcast Episode 6  – May 12th 2014.

For Loxfest Jolene has had a sudden thought:
She’ll get her rhinestones out! I hope she’s got some strong support.

David offers Adam some evening relief,
But Adam’s been knocked up by Cheerful Chas – beyond belief!

Someone needs to give cheerful Chas a kicking;
Along with tactless Jenny – that’d stop her drawers from sticking.

Alistair the vet has been stitching up some cattle
And should have sewn up Jenny’s mouth to stop her vapid rattle.

Pat’s distraught, worried for her little Tommy;
She’s heading for a breakdown, Tony’s heading for a thrommy.

When Pat’s in Prestatyn and Tone’s in the ICU
Then Titchynob will make his move and stage a Bridge Farm coup.


Non-married Life

Written for the Dum Tee Dum Podcast Episode 5 – A Cup of Green Leaf Tea Episode – May 5th 2014.

How did Kirsty get to Costa Rica
With a friend to party hard?
Changed the booking? Bought friend’s flight?
Hope she charged Tom’s credit card.
Helen’s weepy over Henry,
Rob is there whilst she’s a wreck:
Holds her hand and holds the fort
And holds the lead around her neck.

Peggy’s taxi bill’s enormous:
To Jenny, Tom and Pat she flew –
Mending fences, building bridges,
Prob’ly fit a kitchen too
Now that Jenny’s builder’s bottled.
How’s she going to boil an egg?
Plus the pain in Brian’s backside’s
Started going down his leg.

Adam’s going all Mike Tyson,
Could he lick young Charlie boy?
Give it time, it’s bound to happen;
The best man for that job’s not Roy.
Susan’s fawning worm has turned
And bitten Jenny on the hand
Which offered cast-off sticky drawers –
Not something Ambridge View could stand.

Clarrie’s near the big 6-0;
Susan bursts into a song;
Eddie plans a 70s party –
What could possibly go wrong?
Dan exclaims he’s rubbed up Topper:
Not something to shout about;
When he joins his regiment,
They’ll stamp that kind of horseplay out.

Tom, in existential crisis,
On Pat’s shoulder sheds a tear;
Tony kicks him when he’s down.
Nice going, father of the year.
Tony, look into the mirror.
What do you see within its frame?
You, or Tom? Look closer now –
You’ll find that you are much the same.

You’ll see a man who feels he’s done
The right thing, never mind the cost;
Whose parent-son relationships
Have foundered, and are all but lost.

Tom and Brenda don’t get married

Written for the Dum Tee Dum Podcast Episode 4 – The Big Fat Ambridge Wedding Episode – April 28 2014.

Tom, Tom, the farmer’s son
Stole a heart and away did run.
Tom, Tom, what have you done?
Kirsty’s going crazy – has she access to a gun?

Tony, moany, doesn’t understand
Comparing you to John will never help you as a man.
Shell-shocked Pat, with clutch bag still in hand,
Siding with the bride – quick someone, waft her with a fan!

Tom, you fool, you never have explained
To anyone but Peggy why you caused your bride such pain.
Instead of telling Kirsty, it was your Gran you told
So the congregation mutters as the wedding feast grows cold.

Tom, you dream of having your own life
But pigs are all that’s left you since you dumped your future wife
And someone needs to farm the pork and ham:
So please do nothing reckless – don’t  go near the River Am.